Iona Winter

I’d had a wee joke with our neighbours before they left to go on holiday. We might ALL need to gain access to the attic, in case of a Zombie Apocalypse post 21-12-12.  You know…we’d need to see where they (the zombies) were coming from, so we could pop them off with our (imaginary) machine guns. The attic would be the best place to do that. BUT (being serious now) in terms of weaponry, I really didn’t think my ancient kung fu staff would do much damage…it would probably break it was that old. Maybe I could sharpen the knives.

My neighbour further suggested (while laughing) that perhaps there was a mutant child up in the attic already – just WAITING for us to be exposed to a virus that would turn him (or her) into a zombie. Oh how we laughed….retrospectively I think there might have been an edge of seriousness beneath the joke. I didn’t sleep so well that night. Visions of mutant children crept into my dreams.

For about a month I quietly (aka not mentioning it to a soul for fear of public shaming) had been semi-serious about preparing for such an event.  I was ready AND I had a Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit:

• Water purification tablets (to cleanse the virus contaminated water, so as to keep hydrated while fighting off zombies).
• Gas cooker (self explanatory)
• Plasters, disinfectant and aloe vera gel (for zombie bites)
• Paracetamol (to manage fever associated with zombie bites)
• Candles (so we didn’t get too creeped out in the dark, as the power would be off)
• Most importantly chocolate (do you really need to ask why?)

Unfortunately I was unable to afford to build a concrete bunker in the backyard – as I heard a celebrity had done. I doubted the landlady would appreciate it either. Plus I reckoned we’d be pretty safe in the attic – once we’d gotten rid of the mutant child of course!

Upon waking on the morning of 22-12-12, I listened to the noises outside. Nothing seemed to indicate that the world had ended (I breathed out at this point, unaware I’d been holding my breath). The birds were still chirping – probably a good sign. Laughing quietly to myself (there were other people in the house and I’d already copped enough flak from the ONE I had mentioned my “Survival Kit” to) I got up to open the curtains.

BUT before doing so I braced myself. Outside I imagined a scene from Shaun of the Dead.  A plethora of Zombies wandering aimlessly in the garden, crushing my tomato plants accompanied by grey ash falling from the sky – God knows why!

I must admit I was a little disappointed to find nothing but sunshine blinding me as the curtains were whipped back (all while again holding my breath). SIGH. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for being alive and well in a world without zombies BUT I had secretly been wishing for some excitement and a new topic to write about.

Maybe I could write a story about there being NO Zombie Apocalypse. Nah. It would have the same ring to it as winning fourth division on Lotto. Nothing overly exciting…a let down… BORING.

Although if I was to write about it, you could all have a bloody good laugh at my preparations for the Zombie Apocalypse! NOOOOO……I think I’ll make another cup of tea instead.